this is directly to dil. (if you ever do read this.)
I like you. I really dont know when i started, why i like you, but i do. it really confuses me because your older, and confusing at times. last year, i dont know if you remember (ask kira) but you played me. i told you i liked you, you asked me out, i said yes, we dated for a weekend, then you broke up with me. hurtful? defiantly. i dont know how i could like you again after something like that, but i guess i really feel something for you. i have no idea whats going through your mind, and i doubt you care whats going through mine. but i really want to know ! one part of me is telling me that ‘hes never going to fall for you. give up already’ and the other part of me is saying ‘maybe he does like you. he makes you happy, dont give up.’
im mostly confused because, you know that i walk down your hall a lot usually when i do, you ignore me, and just mind your business. but lately, you’ve noticed me. actually noticed. i thought that might be a sign of you liking me. but then again you might just be flirting, or being kind. i really dont know. i dont know what to think, i dont know if i should even send this to you.
if you dont like me, then let me down easy. its going to hurt, but at least let me know so that i dont have to go through all this confusion.
let me know if:
-you like me
-you think we’re better off as friends
-ever thought of liking me
-or just think that im a little kid.
i really dont know what to think right now ! sometimes i just think that we’re friends and i shouldn’t risk our relationship, but i dont know. i cant fight my feelings. if you dont like me, then thats fine. its honestly your loss if you dont realize the type of girl i am.
if your thinking ‘but your still a year younger.’ what difference does that make ? tell me please, because i really dont know.
im strong enough to handle anything you say to me, i can handle you not liking me.
So, before i move on to my story i have to explain something that has been on my mind for while, but i never exactly knew where to lay it all out. I thought maybe a status but then i thought who would read it ? then i thought a note on facebook but then i thought there are some people who i wouldn’t want to read that note. then bam. Tumblr came into my mind. so here it is.
What do look for in a guy ?
I used to be able to say ‘well thats easy.’ But now, im so picky. im picky because of the choices i’ve made before. I mean its not like im saying i didnt like those guys, im saying that i was just trying to find what im looking for. what am i look for ?
im looking for someone who will love me, because im me - not because i love to sing, or not because i have this or that. i want to be loved for me.
i want a guy who will accept my family ! I want him to be a christian and go to church with me. I want to be able to be myself around guy, and i dont want to have to feel like im shy around him, or that i should be all lovey-duvie, and not fun and crazy like how i am.
if hes older then me, i want him to be able to show me the way, and be willing to guide me through things that he’s already been through.
if hes my age, i want him to be willing to go through whatever we need to - to make us last.
and im the type of person who thinks about the little things.
even though my biggest passions are photography, and singing, i want him to have the same interests as me.
i want us to both love music, and love taking pictures of the tiny things that mean a lot.
singing - i love. i just want our voices to match.
even if he cant sing or doesnt like to take pictures, or isnt into photography, then i dont really care. I just want my feelings to be true.
I want someone who will love and care for me, but wont be to clingy. i want someone who will respect my dreams, and be able to follow me and support me, and i want them to know that i will do the same for him. the most important thing to me, is that that person has a great personality, and will love me. and that person will take it slow, and not rush into things that will make me uncomfortable, and things that will make me seem like i want space, and then break it off. i want this time around to be what i want, and to be what im really looking for.
So, my story. there’s this guy that i like. Well that i think that i like. i liked him last year, and he did something real low. i told him that i liked him and he asked me out. i said yes, and we dated for a weekend. then i hear from one of my friends that he only did it to make me feel good. its been i year and i’ve gotten over it.
now, we’re good friends. but hes a year older then me. I always see him, and we always hug. but when i think about liking him, i feel like we should get to know each other but i never feel like we ever give each other the chance to do so. I’ve liked him before, and i keep telling myself ‘no! you cant keep liking this guy, you need to stop.’ i’ve known him for 3 years now. but its like i still barley know him. i promised myself a little while ago that i wouldn’t like him unless i see or i feel like hes liking me back or i feel like theres something there between us when we hug, or when we talk or look into each others eyes. but im so confused. I think about him, and i think about the relationship we have and its like if i tell him i like him, and he says he likes me back, like where do we go from there? and how do i know he really likes me, and hes not just doing what he did before ? I just want to know. and theres this one girl. i love her (like a sister) but im going to have to admit shes not that pretty. i mean shes pretty and all but not super gorgeous. and its weird because according to the guys in grade 7, shes hot. and the guy i like used to like her. i just want to get to know him, and maybe just hang out. im too much of a wuss to go ask him to hang out with me. i want him to ask me because i want him to be the one who makes the first moves. i mean i know that i should do it sometimes but i dont want to go up to him and ask him to hang out, because this guys is so unpredictable that i dont know if hes just flirting or if this is the way he actually feels about me. I dont want another guy to just date. i want a guy whos actually going to love me, and tell me that everyday, and i want to feel comfortable around him, and i want to be able to be who i am. and thats how i feel around him. im always in a good mood around him, and when im not, like hes just there for me to talk to. i just really wish i knew what was going through his mind. I wish i knew if he really is going to like me, or if hes ever going to think of me as more then a friend. its saturday, and i want it to be monday. i want to be able to ask him, and have alone time with him. when i like a guy, i usually am real shy, and i dont have eye contact with the guy. and with hes the first guy who i can just look my eyes into, and melt. i dont know what to do, and im just confused. i think i should wait, and see what happens between us. if nothing happens, then i know that for sure, i should give up this time. if my feelings keep coming back, then theres nothing im going to be able to do. but i feel like its been 3 years, and 2 of those years, i was the one chasing after him, but its like now, im more mature, and im more grown up, and i feel like now that im backing off, and now taking it slow, i feel like im not rushing into anything that im not ready for.